Checking out faster at the grocery. Part 2

I posted one of these a month back or so, here’s a continuation of it.

~ If you decide you don’t want something when at home do you just leave it laying around? No? Then pretend you’re home and don’t leave it at the end of the lane. Give it to the cashier and tell them “I don’t want it” or something to that nature. This goes triple if it’s a cold or frozen item. There’s nothing quite like finding a container of ice cream you stuck in the candy rack all nice and melted 3 hours later.

~You know those little plastic rectangles that are beside the belt? Those are dividers. They are there so that your items and the previous person’s items don’t get mixed up. USE THEM! Even if you’re stuff is way back put one up. As I said in the previous one of these, we can’t pay attention to everything and a lot of us just keep scanning until there are no items left or we hit one of the dividers.

~I know I mentioned watching your children in the last one of these I made. Allow me to expand on it. If you can’t control your loin spawn, LEAVE THEM HOME! There is a customer that comes in my store for example. Their child screams the ENTIRE FUCKING TIME they’re in the store. Telling (actually its usually yelling at) your child “No!” and “Put it back!” doesn’t work if you haven’t shown them the consequences for not listening! The employees bask in the silence for a couple seconds any time people like you leave the store!

Here, allow me to help. This has worked for a very long time and is a well known cure for unruly child. Place hand behind child’s buttocks. Move it back approx 4-5”. Accelerate it towards child’s buttocks quickly. This is called a “spanking”. It works wonders. Don’t administer it while you’re pissed off.

~Cell phones. Do I really need to go into cell phones? Evidently I do! Hang up your god damned phone when you’re checking out. Do you have any fucking idea how rude that is? I am supposed to talk to you. If I interrupt your amazingly important call too bad. Also, if I ask for your loyalty card, and you don’t respond after 2 times then I am going to assume you don’t have one. Rude? Probably. But look who’s calling the kettle black.

People like you make me wish I could still do what the policy was at the pizza place I used to work at. If you were in line, and talking on your phone… we’d skip over you until you were done.

This has been Gwen. Your pissed off, ranting redhead. And allow me to introduce my new product! The “cell phone blocker”! It’s a heavy piece of metal perfect for blocking the reception of a cell phone. Just slam it into the phone until it no longer has reception… or is in pieces. Whichever comes first. We at Gwen’s Psychotic Products are not responsible for injury from improper use of this product or flying cell phone pieces. Not to be used as a spanking device.

Chat Room Etiquette

It’s downright amazing how many people just don’t understand chat room etiquette (or online at all for that matter). So to make you guys not so ignorant (STUPID) I made you up a handly little guide

~ If you use the word “noob” a ton, you yourself are generally the noob.

~ If the chat room is for adults then it means there’s adult content normally. This does not mean that since you’re “really mature for your age” Mr. 11 Year Old that it’s meant for you to join. Come back when you have at least hit the ‘teen years, teen… not tween.

~ If the room is GLBT friendly/safe/whatever then you will generally get automatically booted when you come in and go “God damn faggots!” or something to that nature.

~ Do not enter a room and the first or second thing you say is that you’re horny/any single ladies(ever notice they never look for men? Even if it’s a female saying it.)/you want sex etc etc. Best case scenario you get booted(assuming its not the Cyber Fuck Room), worst case scenario is it’s a 3D chat like IMVU and somebody in there is going to turn into a giant fucking humanoid spider and traumatize your poor little mind.

~ When you enter a room check to see who the mods are, it’s generally not a good idea to piss them off. For example going “Bitch, shut up!” to them can net you either a warning to watch your mouth or a boot out the door depending on their mood and what else you’ve said.

~ Try to use proper fucking English. Yes, we all know text speak, along with most of the online abbreviations, but there’s a big difference between “how r u” and some shit that wouldn’t make sense to me even drunk.

~ If you and your friend enter a room, stick to the language being spoken in the room. If it’s a private conversation, or you want to speak a different language go to a private chat. Google translate is just a mouse click away, and there is usually somebody in the room with enough spite *looks innocent* to start translating your stuff and posting it to the chat room… or just boot you.

~ Real world rules apply. If you start insulting everybody: boot. Trying to proselytize: boot. Being a creepy mother fucker: boot. If the giant fucking humanoid spider shows up and is mainly “flirting” with you: very big fucking boot.

This has been Gwen, your pissed off, ranting redhead. And if I have to tell you one more god damn time to quit using the word “noob” I’m going to put my boot all up in your ass!


*100 bonus points if you know the movie part of that last line is from… bonus points have no value, fyi*

Guide to using a Self Checkout

Apparently people do not know how to use a self checkout. How this is possible is beyond me, it does have instructions on the screen, evidently you genui can’t read.

READ THE SCREEN AND LISTEN TO THE VOICE!!!! The screen and that nice little voice tell you exactly what to do. If its not letting you scan your items then read… you do know how to do that right? Or listen to the voice telling you what to do.

Both the scanner and the bagging area are scales; they’re sensitive to .01 lb changes. You can not scan when there is weight on the scanner, or when the weight on the bagging area is changing/wrong. Keep your delightful little screaming children off the bagging area if you don’t want to be here all day.

If you hit “Skip Bagging” don’t put the item in the bagging area. Skip bagging means you’re *gasp* not putting it in the bagging area… in other words its going back in your cart. If you hit skip bagging and then put it there anyways you get to wait for me to clear your weight difference in the bagging area.

Do you want to know how much your child weighs? No? Then keep them from sitting on the bagging area or I WILL offer to tell you.

My machines are not psychic… you have to tell them when you’re ready to pay and how you wish to pay… card, check, cash, or soul’s of the innocent.

Unless you’re old, handicapped, or I take a liking to you you’re scanning your own stuff. I’ll scan the big items for you so you don’t have to lift them and help with the produce numbers, but no matter how much you whine or glare you’re still checking out your own stuff if you come to the SELF CHECKOUT.

If you have 2 or more carts full go to a regular lane. You’re going to take a good 15 minutes checking out, get annoyed (because you’re not reading the screen/listening to the voice), and greatly increase the wait time of the other people I’m calling over to my 4 lanes.

I’m running 4 lanes at once; when we get busy I try to draw as many people to my lanes as possible to take the strain off the regular lanes. I’m good at keeping my lanes going. That being said if all 4 of the lanes decide they want my attention at the same time (coupons, errors, checks, check ID, take booze if it’s Sunday, dispense change, replace paper, chasing the neurotic monkeys away from the bananas, get the idea?) you may have to wait a minute before I can get to your particular issue.

This has been Gwen, your pissed off, ranting redhead. And would you like to know how much your darling child weighs? 68.2 lbs.

Checking out fast at the grocery store.

Like I said in the last post, I work at a grocery store. What most people that don’t work register at a grocery store don’t know is that we get graded on how fast we get you through the lane. So it’s not just you that wants to get you through quickly, we want to also. So… for your benefit, here’s how to check out faster.

~ First and foremost, if the place has a “loyalty card”, such as Harris Teeter, Food Lion, Meijers, Krogers, etc etc. then know where the thing is and have it ready! If you have to search for the thing for 2 minutes after we finish scanning your items that means that’s another 2 minutes you, and everybody behind you, has to wait.

~ Most of your groceries are not fragile. You really don’t have to be super careful placing them on the belt. Unless they’re eggs, bread, chips, or anything else that you can easily squish/crunch you can pretty much just dump it on the belt. Because trust me, if the cashier is going to speed, the items more or less get scanned and just dumped onto the 2nd belt assuming they’re not breakable.

~ Some places allow you to just put one of an item on the belt and tell us how many you have if you’re getting a bunch. 2-liters of pop are a good example. If you’re getting 30 2-liters put one of each kind on the belt and tell me how many you have… you don’t want to pick them all up and put them on the belt, and I don’t want to scan every one of them.

~ Try to keep like items together. Cans, frozen goods, produce, etc. It may not get you checked out any faster, but it’ll mean that for the most part they’ll get bagged together so it’s easier to put away when you get home.

~ I can’t pay attention to everything. I am supposed to scan your items, chat with you, look for coupons, and make sure you don’t forget anything under your cart… all at the same time. If it ends up on my belt, I’m going to scan it. If you have small children, WATCH THEM! I am not responsible if your child drops a bunch of candy on the belt and you didn’t want it.

~ And finally if you don’t look at least 50 in my state I have to ID you for alcohol. If you don’t look at least 27 I have to card you for tobacco. If you don’t like it, complain to your government representatives. Honestly, I don’t like having to card 30-40 year olds for alcohol, but I will to not get in legal trouble and keep my job.

Sincerely,
~Gwen