Saturday, October 29, 2011


Ok, I know the people that like reading my stuff have been disappointed lately. I hit a slump. Well guess what… you guys want a rant, you’re getting a fucking rant.

I walk to work everyday, it’s literally across the street from where I live, we’re talking a 3 minute walk assuming no traffic. It also means I get to come home for lunch. I always check before crossing the street. Why? Because the “right of way” is BULLSHIT. Having the right of way doesn’t mean shit if you get hit by a fucking car now does it?! They’re bigger, you’re wrong. The car is right by virtue of mass. Yea if they hit you they’re in the wrong, but it doesn’t really matter to you of you’re dead now does it!

So… I check the street, cars down both ways far enough I can get across no problem. I start running across as I’m close to when I need to clock back in from lunch. Turn to my left… and there’s a car… about 6 feet away from me. I ran like a bat out of hell to get out of the way. And he roared through where I had been about a half second later.

I checked the fucking street, there was NOTHING! Get me? Nada, zip, zilch, we’re talking a number equal to the odds of Katy Perry walking into where you work and asking you out! This ass muncher turned onto the street, didn’t look where the fuck he was going, and almost ran my mother fucking ass down!

I did get a glimpse of the fuck head, he was on a god damn cell phone… which, by the way, would have been shoved up his ass so far he could dial it with his colon if he had stopped to yell at me. He’s lucky I didn’t get a better look at him or ethics be damned I’d curse his ass. I’d make his god damn balls fall off, by the time I was done it would look like he had an advanced case of leprosy!

This has been Gwen. Your very pissed off, ranting redhead. And ..|.. to the bastard!

Wednesday, October 12, 2011

TWitN: 10/9/11-10/15/11

God damn people have given me some interesting shit to write about this week! This week in the news! A family calls the cops… because they can’t find their way out of a corn maze, bank robber foiled because his hand writing sucks, and a “superhero” is arrested for assault.

~ A family gets lost in a corn maze and calls the cops to save them. Ok… seriously, how much of a fucking wimp do you have to be to call the cops because you can’t find your way out of a corn maze?!?! This wasn’t even a haunted maze, it was just a normal one. No monsters, no scary sounds, just corn pathways. It is not that hard to find your way out… head a direction, keep walking, always turn either right or left (pick one and keep doing that one only) until you’re out. Or if that is too hard for you, hold hands and walk through the corn in one direction until you walk out of the field.

Hell with it, next story.

~ This one is pure gold. A bank robber writes down what he wants he teller to do, goes into a bank, gives her the note… and then is denied because its illegible! Yes, it sounds like something out of a movie, and actually it is. Somebody copied “Take the Money and Run”. Ok, guy… I’ll give you points for the ummmmm, audacity to try to rob a bank, I’ll even give you points for imitating a movie. But why by Poseidon’s blue balls would you copy the part of the movie heist that failed?!?! Here’s a free hint for next time! If your handwriting is that bad, type it out instead!

And onto my favorite for a long time to come.

~ This week’s top story!!!! Seattle “superhero” arrested for assault!!!! You know, there’s a few things I NEVER expected to be able to write up, and “superhero arrested” was really damn high on that list! I do love when people give me new things to write on.

The guy tried to break up a fight… that wasn’t a fight, and had the people he was “saving” turn on him because he pepper sprayed them.

Evidently Phoenix Jones, lovely name there by the way, has a group of “superheros” that are bound and determined to get shot. Oops, said that wrong. That tries to fight crime with costumes, a geeky guy in glasses, and the power of pepper spray! I can see the back story now. Pissed off taxi driver pepper sprays him, but the pepper spray has been infected with uhhhh radiation, and it turns him into Phoenix Jones!!!! Okay, sue me, creating a back story for a “superhero” who’s only power is to look like a Mortal Kombat knockoff with pepper spray is a little hard. And actually… I go back to my previous statement, bound and determined to get shot.

This guy and his team read a few too many comic books as kids. Masked vigilantes don’t work outside of comics because *gasp* you’re only going to prepared to handle minor domestic disturbances and the occasional fight that doesn’t involve weapons. The law isn’t on your side, at all if you do this, and anything bigger then the above is going to get you shot!

This has been Gwen. Your pissed off, ranting redhead. And…

“I am Ba…”