Saturday, April 30, 2011


Is anybody else tired of that fucking term yet? Oh! It’s a “superfood”, its new and fantastic for you! FUCK YOU! It’s the same god damn thing that you’ve been eating but got a hip new name to get you morons who believe everything you read/hear and think you can sit on your ass and lose weight if you take enough pills.

By the way, try our limited time offer! For the low, low price of your soul and enough money to fund a small 3rd world country you can purchase the Quick Trim system! As made famous by Kim Kardashian and her less popular sisters! Just 18 easy payments of $49.99! Get yours today!

Hey look I’ve gone corporate.

Here, let’s look at what wikipedia says about superfoods:

Superfood is a term sometimes used to describe food with high phytonutrient content that may confer health benefits as a result. For example, blueberries are often considered a superfood (or superfruit) because they contain significant amounts of antioxidants, anthocyanins, vitamin C, manganese, and dietary fiber.

The term is not in common currency amongst dieticians and nutritional scientists, many of whom dispute the claims made that consuming particular foodstuffs can have a health benefit. There is no legal definition of the term and it has been alleged that this has led to it being over-used as a marketing tool.

Hmmmmm “no legal definition of the term” seems to be the key word. So that means you could call ANYTHING a superfood, right? Right?! Chicken and gravy? Superfood. McDonalds mcburger? Superfood. Justin Beiber? Crappy singer, but still a superfood.

*switches to stereotypical gay voice* You know what superfood makes me think of? It makes me think of GAY!!! It's superrrrrrrrrr!!!!!

How about we quit with the crappy terms and just say what it might be? The foods you’ve known for-fucking-ever are good for you are *GASP* good for you!!!! It doesn’t matter if your muffins have “superfood” blueberries or regular ones in it, it’s the same damn thing with a $3 markup for the “superfood” one.

This has been Gwen. Your pissed off, ranting redhead. And buy my superfood fudge rounds, only $19.99 a box and you’ll swear they taste healthier then the other ones.

Wednesday, April 20, 2011


I miss cartoons. Yes, I know there are still cartoons on TV, but they’re not the same anymore.

I miss good cartoons. The old ones. I miss the cartoons where they didn’t want to make me bash people’s heads in with a brick. Let me explain.

Looney Tunes! They had no real plot for most of them. Occasionally you’d get a Bugs Bunny movie that was long enough to have an actual plot, but aside from those the plot was along the lines of: Elmer Fudd wants to hunt Bugs Bunny, Wlie E. Coyote wants to get some yummy Road Runner nom, etc. And the cartoons revolved around that! No continuity between cartoons other then their basic rivalries (Bugs Bunny and Daffy Duck/Elmer Fudd/Yosemite Sam, Wile E. Coyote and Road Runner, Tom and Jerry) and that was it! They were basic, they were funny, and they were adaptable.


Daffy: Wabbit season!
Bugs: Duck season.
Daffy: Wabbit season!
Bugs: Duck season.
Daffy: Wabbit season!
Bugs: Wabbit season.
Daffy: Duck season! FIRE!
Elmer Fudd: *BANG!!!!*
Daffy: … You’re despicable.

How many times did a scene like that play out? A lot! You knew how it was going to end, but it was still funny, partially because they always had something different happen to Daffy after the blast.

Some of the characters were intelligent (Bugs Bunny! THE original smartass!), some of them were a little dense (such as Elmer Fudd). But they were fun and played out their parts beautifully.

How about Tom the cat in blackface. Jerry had this fantastically funny habit of blowing Tom up and when he’d pull his face out of whatever he stuck it in and got blown up he’d be in blackface. It was funny! You saw it coming and it was still funny! Or how about Wile E. Coyote crashing headlong into a wall or going over a cliff to “poof” when he hit the ground always after some elaborate (and ultimately ineffectual) way to catch Road Runner.

Now you don’t have them anymore! Ok, you do, but they’re not the same. Guns are bad, and parents freak out at the sight of a gun in a cartoon. So if Elmer Fudd even gets to fire his gun you never see it hit anything. Blackface is evidently racist (don’t know how it’s racist, I’ve never seen a black person that was actually, you know, BLACK) so Tom no longer shows up in blackface, he starts to pull his head out and the scene cuts away. Violence is wrong and has no place in society so now Wile E Coyote falls over the cliff to his (almost) doom and you never see him hit the ground… no “poof”, the scene just ends!


No, now we have to have politically correct cartoons that are a good fucking influence. Cartoons that lack any kind of spark. Now we have *drumroll* SPONGE BOB!!!!!!

Fuck me up the ass!

Sponge Bob is such a piece of shit it’s pathetic. It has a plot but it SUCKS! He’s a retarded (literally) piece of sponge that talks, goes about his life, and shit like that. Oh, and one of his friends is a weasel that lives in dome on the bottom of the ocean. You can find more cognitive thought from a 5 year old then from Sponge Bob! And this is what cartoons are now folks!

Oh, and we’re talking cartoons for those past toddler age, so I’m not including Dora the Explorer, Bob the Builder, or anything like that. Those are for a very young age, unlike Looney Tunes and (supposedly) Sponge Bob.

“What about anime! You’re leaving out anime!” No, I’m not. Anime does not count as cartoons in my opinion. It is a different style entirely. Anime is closer to a standard TV series then cartoons. They have a plot that goes through the entire series (WE MUST STOP NARAKU!!!!!). I like some anime, but a lot of it I view the same as regular TV (since that what it actually is, just animate)… it sucks.

Back to cartoons! And specifically Looney Tunes! When was the last time you saw a cartoon that could send a message relevant to the time period? Probably never! Because the shit they play now is too dumbbed down to be able to pull it off. Looney Tunes used to play some cartoons that were time-period specific. There was one Bugs Bunny cartoon where Bugs is flying a plane, and at the end is about to crash land and then his plane stops in midair, he jumps out and goes “Sorry folks, you know how these A-Cards are.” An A-Card was a gas ration during WW2. You couldn’t do anything like that with cartoons today because they’re not smart enough or flexible enough anymore to be able to pull shit like that and still stay in the character’s general way of thinking! Could you see Sponge Bob managing to pull off a War in Iraq reference? NOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!! CAUSE HE’S STUPID! He’s a couple dozen IQ points lower then your bottom feeder politician!

On the flip side there were some incredibly racist Looney Tunes cartoons, at the time they were viewed as just fine, not anymore, and I’m glad they don’t play them anymore. What is relevant and acceptable at one time is not the same for another.

This has been Gwen. Your pissed off, ranting redhead. And… SPONGE SEASON! FIRE!!!! *BANG!*

Saturday, April 16, 2011

Wednesday, April 13, 2011

Chicago School BANS from Home Lunches

The Little Village Academy on Chicago's West Side has decided to BAN lunches brought from home unless you have food allergies. I am of 2 minds on this…

First off! I see no problem with this at all… IF they’re making school lunch free for all the students. If you are making it mandatory for the students to eat your food, then you should include it in the school fees you push on the parents. It is a public school, it is “free” (aside from whatever fees they decide to charge you for stupid stuff), so if getting the lunch is mandatory, like going to school is, then it shouldn’t cost anything more. The problem of course is that they’re not doing that. Which leads to my other thought on this.

Second… FUCK THEM!!!!!!

“ Principal Elsa Carmona said her intention is to protect students from their own unhealthful food choices.

"Nutrition wise, it is better for the children to eat at the school," Carmona said. "It's about the nutrition and the excellent quality food that they are able to serve (in the lunchroom). It's milk versus a Coke. But with allergies and any medical issue, of course, we would make an exception." ”

Excellent quality food? HA! Since when? Last I checked pizza flavored lard and buttered manatee ass didn’t qualify as excellent, that’s not even good. The reason most students don’t buy school food is because its shit! Lets see… what days do you get student buying lunch. Hmmmmmm, French fry day and Papa Johns/Dominos/Pizza Hut day, and that’s it unless they have to get it. Why? Because they don’t want to eat “lasagna” that has more grease coming out of it then your typical McDonalds burger. Or the slop that’s supposed to be chicken and dumplings, or the school pizza that is like a brick it’s so over-cooked.

I can understand no fast food. No McWendy’s King or shit like that is fine. I’ll even go with the no pop… even though most schools have pop machines where the students have access to them, I smell hypocrisy!!!!!!!

“Carmona said she created the policy six years ago after watching students bring "bottles of soda and flaming hot chips" on field trips for their lunch. Although she would not name any other schools that employ such practices, she said it was fairly common.”

This is a steaming pile of bullshit! I’ve never heard of a school with this policy. And this isn’t about healthy food. No where close, this is about money. Let’s see. We’ll assume the school has 1000 students. Before this took effect probably about 1/3 of them bought the school lunch. At $2.25 that’s about $750 a day. NOW the entire student body MUST get the school lunch if they want to eat. And our number jumps to about $2200 a day.

I only partially blame the principle and the school for this piece of filth being in effect. A good part of the blame goes to the parents too. THEY should’ve gone “fuck you” and still sent their kids to school with lunches instead of rolling over and letting the school dictate to them what their kids can eat! What was the school going to do to them? The school can’t fine the parents. And if they decide to give detention to or suspend a few hundred over it they would’ve had hell to pay. No, this is also the parent’s fault.

And I find the picture of a “school lunch” they included funny as hell.

So… tell me. Have you ever seen a school lunch that looked like that? I didn’t think so.

This has been Gwen. Your pissed off, ranting redhead. And the school says I am no longer allowed to bring my own rants to the blog. I have to buy theirs now.

Sunday, April 10, 2011


I am sure everybody and their grandmother that is reading this has seen or heard of the song “Friday”. The singer, Rebecca Black, is now famous for it. If only it was a good thing…

For those living under a fucking rock that means that the song/music video quickly went viral. Reproducing at an astounding rate and quickly being raised to an epidemic outbreak level by the surgeon general. The Friday virus is highly contagious, spreading by minor contact with infected individuals, and is the first case of a human virus being spread through the internet. (In other news the US government is trying to figure out how this was done for possible biological weapon use) It appears to be non-lethal, but small children, the elderly, and those with compromised immune systems are recommended to be closely monitored just in case.

Symptoms include: having the song “Friday” stuck in your head for days on end, randomly singing off key, and mild fever. Severe cases have been witnessed breaking out in (off key) singing in large crowds, making parody versions of the “Friday” song and music video, and being confused if you should sit in the front or back seat of a car (incredibly amusing to onlookers when you’re the only one getting into the car). Still, doctors recommend wearing a dust mask (because it’s funny as hell when you get a dust mask tan line) and seeing a doctor is you develop any of the severe symptoms.

Oh, and some random woman named Gwenny has developed a vaccine for the dreaded Friday virus, she is selling it out of her apartme, er… office for a mere $100. Supplies are limited, make sure you purchase your vaccination before supplies run out.

OK! Now that that’s out of the way, obviously this is my own mockery of “Friday”. What brought it about? Why the newest “Friday” parody of course! God fucking damnit how many parody’s of this wannabe kindergarten song (ok class, lets sing the Friday song! Saturday, Sunday, Monday…) do we need?! Including the original and the horrendous religious version above I know of AT LEAST 8. Including one by some boy band, Conan O’Brian, a 10 minute play, and a piano ballad! Ok, seriously! I get parody, have you seen this site? Half of it is parody. But things quickly reach the point where it goes from being funny to being “are people seriously still making these?” So to all the people out there… I have one request.

MAKE IT STOP!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

This has been Gwen. Your pissed off, ranting redhead. And I hear she’s creating a new song “These are all the things in my backpack”… I can see the parodies now

*sings* These are all the things in my backpack. Note-book, note-book, text book, hand-ful of pen-cils, text book, an entire box of condoms.... *fades out*

Saturday, April 2, 2011

OMFG Middle East Violence!

Who the fuck didn’t see this shit coming?

The dumb fuck church in Florida (Why does Florida suck so hard? I mean they don’t know how to vote… just look at the 2000 elections. And its nick named “God’s waiting room”… God damn.) decided to go through with their plan to hold a Quran burning…

ARE YOU PEOPLE FUCKING STUPID?! Wait, don’t answer that, the answer is obviously YES!!!!!!

I don’t think you fuckers understand. The Islamic religion is NOT Christianity. They stemmed from the same one originally… but that is where the similarities fucking end. I know you have trouble remembering your own name… it takes a while for your 2 brain cells to rub together in that big vacancy you call a head… but try to remember what has happened in the past 15 years.

Oh, you don’t remember… fine, allow me to re-educate you:

~Bush as President for 8 years, completely ruining international relations. Most notably with the Middle East.

~There was a political cartoon about ohhh 8-10 years ago… about Allah being violent and what not. OMFG YOU SATIRIZED GOD!!! WE WILL PROVE WE ARE NOT VIOLENT BY DESTROYING SHIT!!!!!

The group has no problem using violence to meet whatever ends it wants. Quit FUCKING with them unless you are trying to get American troops killed. And if that’s the case YOU need to be brought up as an accessory to murder. You knew exactly what kind of reaction this is going to bring. You knew burning the Quran was going to cause riots and violence and yet you still did it! By our laws doing something that you know will cause violence, panics, or riots (such as yelling FIRE! in a theater) makes you an accessory so lets put you up on charges.

Yes, I know not all Muslims are violent. I know a few. I actually find the hijabs (head scarves) pretty, although you can keep the burkas. Most of the US Muslims are just fine. Over in the Middle East though the terrorists/extremists are more noticeable then the Christian abortion doctor killers in the US… and the culture for some reason almost seems to encourage them.

This has been Gwen. Your pissed off, ranting redhead. And fuck this church and the Muslim rioters.