Saturday, December 31, 2011

Welcome to 2012

Turning turning turning. The wheel has turned and the year has passed. Good and bad things happened. Friends were made and friends were lost (not dead).

The year is done and gone. To all I wish a good new year. For those interested I have a personal resolution I shall keep to myself, the other is I am going to be posting more often. At least once a week.

Now if you will excuse me I am going to end the year the same way I started it… completely and totally ratassed.


Saturday, October 29, 2011


Ok, I know the people that like reading my stuff have been disappointed lately. I hit a slump. Well guess what… you guys want a rant, you’re getting a fucking rant.

I walk to work everyday, it’s literally across the street from where I live, we’re talking a 3 minute walk assuming no traffic. It also means I get to come home for lunch. I always check before crossing the street. Why? Because the “right of way” is BULLSHIT. Having the right of way doesn’t mean shit if you get hit by a fucking car now does it?! They’re bigger, you’re wrong. The car is right by virtue of mass. Yea if they hit you they’re in the wrong, but it doesn’t really matter to you of you’re dead now does it!

So… I check the street, cars down both ways far enough I can get across no problem. I start running across as I’m close to when I need to clock back in from lunch. Turn to my left… and there’s a car… about 6 feet away from me. I ran like a bat out of hell to get out of the way. And he roared through where I had been about a half second later.

I checked the fucking street, there was NOTHING! Get me? Nada, zip, zilch, we’re talking a number equal to the odds of Katy Perry walking into where you work and asking you out! This ass muncher turned onto the street, didn’t look where the fuck he was going, and almost ran my mother fucking ass down!

I did get a glimpse of the fuck head, he was on a god damn cell phone… which, by the way, would have been shoved up his ass so far he could dial it with his colon if he had stopped to yell at me. He’s lucky I didn’t get a better look at him or ethics be damned I’d curse his ass. I’d make his god damn balls fall off, by the time I was done it would look like he had an advanced case of leprosy!

This has been Gwen. Your very pissed off, ranting redhead. And ..|.. to the bastard!

Wednesday, October 12, 2011

TWitN: 10/9/11-10/15/11

God damn people have given me some interesting shit to write about this week! This week in the news! A family calls the cops… because they can’t find their way out of a corn maze, bank robber foiled because his hand writing sucks, and a “superhero” is arrested for assault.

~ A family gets lost in a corn maze and calls the cops to save them. Ok… seriously, how much of a fucking wimp do you have to be to call the cops because you can’t find your way out of a corn maze?!?! This wasn’t even a haunted maze, it was just a normal one. No monsters, no scary sounds, just corn pathways. It is not that hard to find your way out… head a direction, keep walking, always turn either right or left (pick one and keep doing that one only) until you’re out. Or if that is too hard for you, hold hands and walk through the corn in one direction until you walk out of the field.

Hell with it, next story.

~ This one is pure gold. A bank robber writes down what he wants he teller to do, goes into a bank, gives her the note… and then is denied because its illegible! Yes, it sounds like something out of a movie, and actually it is. Somebody copied “Take the Money and Run”. Ok, guy… I’ll give you points for the ummmmm, audacity to try to rob a bank, I’ll even give you points for imitating a movie. But why by Poseidon’s blue balls would you copy the part of the movie heist that failed?!?! Here’s a free hint for next time! If your handwriting is that bad, type it out instead!

And onto my favorite for a long time to come.

~ This week’s top story!!!! Seattle “superhero” arrested for assault!!!! You know, there’s a few things I NEVER expected to be able to write up, and “superhero arrested” was really damn high on that list! I do love when people give me new things to write on.

The guy tried to break up a fight… that wasn’t a fight, and had the people he was “saving” turn on him because he pepper sprayed them.

Evidently Phoenix Jones, lovely name there by the way, has a group of “superheros” that are bound and determined to get shot. Oops, said that wrong. That tries to fight crime with costumes, a geeky guy in glasses, and the power of pepper spray! I can see the back story now. Pissed off taxi driver pepper sprays him, but the pepper spray has been infected with uhhhh radiation, and it turns him into Phoenix Jones!!!! Okay, sue me, creating a back story for a “superhero” who’s only power is to look like a Mortal Kombat knockoff with pepper spray is a little hard. And actually… I go back to my previous statement, bound and determined to get shot.

This guy and his team read a few too many comic books as kids. Masked vigilantes don’t work outside of comics because *gasp* you’re only going to prepared to handle minor domestic disturbances and the occasional fight that doesn’t involve weapons. The law isn’t on your side, at all if you do this, and anything bigger then the above is going to get you shot!

This has been Gwen. Your pissed off, ranting redhead. And…

“I am Ba…”


Tuesday, August 16, 2011


I am a gamer. I like video games… they’re fun, bright and colorful (if you’re not playing some military FPS thing…), and they keep me entertained… oh, and for all you males… there are tits too. Along with that I read a lot, play music (or more specifically teaching myself to play a piano/keyboard), write (obviously), do nature photography, and a whole list of other things whenever the mood strikes me. But if you asked I’d say I’m a gamer.

I have a competitive streak. Do I like to win? Of course I do, anybody that has a competitive streak does, but it’s not the underlying reason I like to play. I like the challenge. If I’m playing against somebody else winning doesn’t mean anything to me if you don’t put up a fight. I like the challenge more then winning. That brings me to the point of this little article…

I played a flash game the other day called Scuba. I was bored, it looked interesting. I actually played it twice because I forgot to take a screen shot of the high scores.

I had a time of 23:45, that’s minutes and seconds. I was expecting to have a time closer to 30 minutes the second time around, so I did pretty good. Yea… until you see the high scores.


I call the first 3 complete and utter BULLSHIT! I’d even be willing to guess that 4-6 are BS also but I’ll give them the benefit of the doubt. The first 3 are cheating outright!

A lot of people cheat, game genie and gameshark were designed for games specifically so you could cheat! But then you’re not posting your scores for everybody to see either!

I honestly don’t give a flying fuck if you cheat, a ton of people do it, the first 20 entries on the score are probably people cheating, the difference is they’re doing it believably!

You made your score 2 seconds! Are you trying to prove how big and bad you are? Cause we all know you are the All Mighty and can do things physically impossible. It’s really not that impressive anymore. Perhaps you could make some furries instead, at least that would be interesting to watch. Are you trying to compensate for something? You’re doing it a little too much hun… cause uhhhhh, making your score that good just makes it look like you need a magnifying glass and a pair of tweezers to go to the bathroom!!!!

You’re one of those idiots that want to win, just to win, and you don’t care what you have to do to finish first. Good thing it’s just a video game and not a race or we might see you whipping out a gun and killing everybody ahead of you. You’d win with everybody running away screaming in horror as you cross the finish line covered in your deceased opponent’s blood. And, as the cops take you away, you could go “Yea… I killed them, but I won!”

This has been Gwen. Your pissed off, non-cheating redhead. And I’m gonna find these guys a pair of tweezers.

Friday, July 15, 2011

TWitN: 7/10/11-7/16/11

God DAMN have I been away a while! Sorry about that, life just likes to keep me busy. And for the first post in 2 months we haveeeeeee… TWIT NEWS!!!!!!

This week in the news! Should parents lose custody of their kids if the kids are fat? Some Republicans want to create the 51st state, and finally a restaurant bans kids under 6 from eating there! Yes… it’s kid week folks.

~Should children (mostly teens) be removed from their parent’s custody if they’re “obese”? Note that by “removed from their custody” they mean put them in foster care. Now maybe I’m a little odd about this but HOLY FUCK NO!!!!! Are you fucking brain dead?! Ask anybody that’s actually been in the foster care system what it’s like. Actually, go ask a whole lot. Now tell me how many damn horror stories you hear. You’re going to remove a kid from a loving family, and put them into the 7th level of hell that is the foster care system because they’re FAT?! You can fucking eat me! How about you actually look for people that abuse their kids instead of trying to escalate this inane drivel that is the “war on fat”.

Yes, people are fatter now then they used to be. It’s because we have a more sedentary lifestyle and because the food companies screwed us like a $2 whore with their food pyramid for a couple generations. Look it up, the food pyramid created a diet for people we’ve never had before (and didn’t need) and oh wow, caused bad effects! Just because the kids too are fatter does not mean they should be thrown to the hounds to justify your “everybody must be thin” boner! Next story.

~Some Republicans want to get 13 southern California counties to secede from the US and become the 51st state. First off, it’s a joke of an idea because it’s not going to happen. I can tell you why they want it to though. California is very much a Democrat state, the 13 counties in question are far more Republican. They want to be able to make their own state laws, and not be under the rule of them gosh darned Democrats! Oh, and they want to name the new state “South California”. Honestly, not a whole lot I can say on this one.

~Restaurant BANS children under 6! First off, I’m going to get a lot of flack about this, but I am all for this. I am at a nice "upscale, casual and quiet" restaurant, enjoying my night, and then a family walks in with a young child. They sit down 3 tables over from me and for the entire rest of my meal, and every other person’s in the restaurant, I get to listen to your loin spawn scream.

No, I see absolutely nothing wrong with this. In fact I think it needs to be expanded to other places, like movie theaters. Leave the kid with a baby sitter or friend. There are plenty of kid friendly restaurants, ones that are meant for kids, go there.

By the way, I like kids, I also happen to think if you can’t control your kids, or they’re so young they’re going to be screaming through the entire shopping trip/meal/movie, that you need to take them to a kid friendly restaurant/some place else!

This has been Gwen. Your pissed off, ranting redhead. An I’m going to get hate mail for this one.

Tuesday, May 10, 2011

Celebrity Bullshit

I know, I know. I said I wouldn’t (or would very rarely) cover celebrity bullshit. Tell them to quit giving me such fucking easy ammo.

Justin Beiber is in the news this week after his debut on CSI with one of the regular actors on there calling him a brat. Really? A brat? You don’t say. It couldn’t possibly be that he’s following in the footsteps of most of the other child singers is it? I mean Miley Cyrus, Lindsey Lohan, Britney Spears, and all the others have grown up to be perfectly stable individuals. Yea right. The only child/teen singer that I’ve heard any actual respectable conduct from is Taylor Swift… and you’ll notice she’s a country singer instead of a pop singer. Not that I think that has anything to do with it but its an interesting coincidence.

Anyways, Marg Helgenberger called Beiber a brat, on TV. Evidently the kid locked a producer in a closet and “put his fist through a cake that was on the craft service table”. Admittedly they both had it coming though. The producer was performing the unforgivable sin of telling Beiber what he needed to do *gasp* the horror! And the cake evidently made a crack about Beiber’s mother… something about her fucking a broken accordion to conceive him or something like that. Obviously both were well justified and the appropriate response to the situation and Helgenberger is just being mean to a kind and talented singer… and if I don’t stop that I’m going to form a sarcasm black hole.

*Puts on a 10/6 Mad Hatter hat* CHANGE PLACE!!!!

Paris Hilton has opened up one of her houses for rent. A 3,000 square foot house in the Hollywood Hills. Yes, THE Hollywood Hills. The Hollywood Hills that it is mandatory for all new celebrities, or people with too much money and a desire to have no privacy, must own a house in. This lovely sack of overpriced shit can be yours for the low, low price of $20,000 a month! Oh my god, only $20k a month?! Where do I sign up?!

The house includes a larger-than-life portrait of the socialite (ever notice that they always use socialite? Never actress, or celebrity, it’s always socialite. I think socialite is code for no talent.), a bedroom that is pink enough to even make me cringe, and I like pink... and evidently a pole somewhere for entertaining. I am not making that up, it actually says that in the article!

“The star's home is full of family photos and high-end finishes. And yes, there's a pole for entertaining.”

Besides the fact that you can rent her house, you get to sleep in her bed and from how the article sounds some of her wardrobe is there. Disclaimer: neither the realtor nor the “socialite” is responsible for anything you might catch from sleeping in the bed or wearing the clothes… take that as you will!

This has been Gwen. Your pissed off, ranting redhead. And Justin Beiber is probably going to rent Hilton’s house… he wants to try on the clothes.

PS: All the Beiber fans. FLAME ME! Please, leave me lots of comments. I’ll even leave them up to laugh at. You’ll up my traffic and get me some more intelligent readers.

Saturday, April 30, 2011


Is anybody else tired of that fucking term yet? Oh! It’s a “superfood”, its new and fantastic for you! FUCK YOU! It’s the same god damn thing that you’ve been eating but got a hip new name to get you morons who believe everything you read/hear and think you can sit on your ass and lose weight if you take enough pills.

By the way, try our limited time offer! For the low, low price of your soul and enough money to fund a small 3rd world country you can purchase the Quick Trim system! As made famous by Kim Kardashian and her less popular sisters! Just 18 easy payments of $49.99! Get yours today!

Hey look I’ve gone corporate.

Here, let’s look at what wikipedia says about superfoods:

Superfood is a term sometimes used to describe food with high phytonutrient content that may confer health benefits as a result. For example, blueberries are often considered a superfood (or superfruit) because they contain significant amounts of antioxidants, anthocyanins, vitamin C, manganese, and dietary fiber.

The term is not in common currency amongst dieticians and nutritional scientists, many of whom dispute the claims made that consuming particular foodstuffs can have a health benefit. There is no legal definition of the term and it has been alleged that this has led to it being over-used as a marketing tool.

Hmmmmm “no legal definition of the term” seems to be the key word. So that means you could call ANYTHING a superfood, right? Right?! Chicken and gravy? Superfood. McDonalds mcburger? Superfood. Justin Beiber? Crappy singer, but still a superfood.

*switches to stereotypical gay voice* You know what superfood makes me think of? It makes me think of GAY!!! It's superrrrrrrrrr!!!!!

How about we quit with the crappy terms and just say what it might be? The foods you’ve known for-fucking-ever are good for you are *GASP* good for you!!!! It doesn’t matter if your muffins have “superfood” blueberries or regular ones in it, it’s the same damn thing with a $3 markup for the “superfood” one.

This has been Gwen. Your pissed off, ranting redhead. And buy my superfood fudge rounds, only $19.99 a box and you’ll swear they taste healthier then the other ones.

Wednesday, April 20, 2011


I miss cartoons. Yes, I know there are still cartoons on TV, but they’re not the same anymore.

I miss good cartoons. The old ones. I miss the cartoons where they didn’t want to make me bash people’s heads in with a brick. Let me explain.

Looney Tunes! They had no real plot for most of them. Occasionally you’d get a Bugs Bunny movie that was long enough to have an actual plot, but aside from those the plot was along the lines of: Elmer Fudd wants to hunt Bugs Bunny, Wlie E. Coyote wants to get some yummy Road Runner nom, etc. And the cartoons revolved around that! No continuity between cartoons other then their basic rivalries (Bugs Bunny and Daffy Duck/Elmer Fudd/Yosemite Sam, Wile E. Coyote and Road Runner, Tom and Jerry) and that was it! They were basic, they were funny, and they were adaptable.


Daffy: Wabbit season!
Bugs: Duck season.
Daffy: Wabbit season!
Bugs: Duck season.
Daffy: Wabbit season!
Bugs: Wabbit season.
Daffy: Duck season! FIRE!
Elmer Fudd: *BANG!!!!*
Daffy: … You’re despicable.

How many times did a scene like that play out? A lot! You knew how it was going to end, but it was still funny, partially because they always had something different happen to Daffy after the blast.

Some of the characters were intelligent (Bugs Bunny! THE original smartass!), some of them were a little dense (such as Elmer Fudd). But they were fun and played out their parts beautifully.

How about Tom the cat in blackface. Jerry had this fantastically funny habit of blowing Tom up and when he’d pull his face out of whatever he stuck it in and got blown up he’d be in blackface. It was funny! You saw it coming and it was still funny! Or how about Wile E. Coyote crashing headlong into a wall or going over a cliff to “poof” when he hit the ground always after some elaborate (and ultimately ineffectual) way to catch Road Runner.

Now you don’t have them anymore! Ok, you do, but they’re not the same. Guns are bad, and parents freak out at the sight of a gun in a cartoon. So if Elmer Fudd even gets to fire his gun you never see it hit anything. Blackface is evidently racist (don’t know how it’s racist, I’ve never seen a black person that was actually, you know, BLACK) so Tom no longer shows up in blackface, he starts to pull his head out and the scene cuts away. Violence is wrong and has no place in society so now Wile E Coyote falls over the cliff to his (almost) doom and you never see him hit the ground… no “poof”, the scene just ends!


No, now we have to have politically correct cartoons that are a good fucking influence. Cartoons that lack any kind of spark. Now we have *drumroll* SPONGE BOB!!!!!!

Fuck me up the ass!

Sponge Bob is such a piece of shit it’s pathetic. It has a plot but it SUCKS! He’s a retarded (literally) piece of sponge that talks, goes about his life, and shit like that. Oh, and one of his friends is a weasel that lives in dome on the bottom of the ocean. You can find more cognitive thought from a 5 year old then from Sponge Bob! And this is what cartoons are now folks!

Oh, and we’re talking cartoons for those past toddler age, so I’m not including Dora the Explorer, Bob the Builder, or anything like that. Those are for a very young age, unlike Looney Tunes and (supposedly) Sponge Bob.

“What about anime! You’re leaving out anime!” No, I’m not. Anime does not count as cartoons in my opinion. It is a different style entirely. Anime is closer to a standard TV series then cartoons. They have a plot that goes through the entire series (WE MUST STOP NARAKU!!!!!). I like some anime, but a lot of it I view the same as regular TV (since that what it actually is, just animate)… it sucks.

Back to cartoons! And specifically Looney Tunes! When was the last time you saw a cartoon that could send a message relevant to the time period? Probably never! Because the shit they play now is too dumbbed down to be able to pull it off. Looney Tunes used to play some cartoons that were time-period specific. There was one Bugs Bunny cartoon where Bugs is flying a plane, and at the end is about to crash land and then his plane stops in midair, he jumps out and goes “Sorry folks, you know how these A-Cards are.” An A-Card was a gas ration during WW2. You couldn’t do anything like that with cartoons today because they’re not smart enough or flexible enough anymore to be able to pull shit like that and still stay in the character’s general way of thinking! Could you see Sponge Bob managing to pull off a War in Iraq reference? NOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!! CAUSE HE’S STUPID! He’s a couple dozen IQ points lower then your bottom feeder politician!

On the flip side there were some incredibly racist Looney Tunes cartoons, at the time they were viewed as just fine, not anymore, and I’m glad they don’t play them anymore. What is relevant and acceptable at one time is not the same for another.

This has been Gwen. Your pissed off, ranting redhead. And… SPONGE SEASON! FIRE!!!! *BANG!*

Saturday, April 16, 2011

Wednesday, April 13, 2011

Chicago School BANS from Home Lunches

The Little Village Academy on Chicago's West Side has decided to BAN lunches brought from home unless you have food allergies. I am of 2 minds on this…

First off! I see no problem with this at all… IF they’re making school lunch free for all the students. If you are making it mandatory for the students to eat your food, then you should include it in the school fees you push on the parents. It is a public school, it is “free” (aside from whatever fees they decide to charge you for stupid stuff), so if getting the lunch is mandatory, like going to school is, then it shouldn’t cost anything more. The problem of course is that they’re not doing that. Which leads to my other thought on this.

Second… FUCK THEM!!!!!!

“ Principal Elsa Carmona said her intention is to protect students from their own unhealthful food choices.

"Nutrition wise, it is better for the children to eat at the school," Carmona said. "It's about the nutrition and the excellent quality food that they are able to serve (in the lunchroom). It's milk versus a Coke. But with allergies and any medical issue, of course, we would make an exception." ”

Excellent quality food? HA! Since when? Last I checked pizza flavored lard and buttered manatee ass didn’t qualify as excellent, that’s not even good. The reason most students don’t buy school food is because its shit! Lets see… what days do you get student buying lunch. Hmmmmmm, French fry day and Papa Johns/Dominos/Pizza Hut day, and that’s it unless they have to get it. Why? Because they don’t want to eat “lasagna” that has more grease coming out of it then your typical McDonalds burger. Or the slop that’s supposed to be chicken and dumplings, or the school pizza that is like a brick it’s so over-cooked.

I can understand no fast food. No McWendy’s King or shit like that is fine. I’ll even go with the no pop… even though most schools have pop machines where the students have access to them, I smell hypocrisy!!!!!!!

“Carmona said she created the policy six years ago after watching students bring "bottles of soda and flaming hot chips" on field trips for their lunch. Although she would not name any other schools that employ such practices, she said it was fairly common.”

This is a steaming pile of bullshit! I’ve never heard of a school with this policy. And this isn’t about healthy food. No where close, this is about money. Let’s see. We’ll assume the school has 1000 students. Before this took effect probably about 1/3 of them bought the school lunch. At $2.25 that’s about $750 a day. NOW the entire student body MUST get the school lunch if they want to eat. And our number jumps to about $2200 a day.

I only partially blame the principle and the school for this piece of filth being in effect. A good part of the blame goes to the parents too. THEY should’ve gone “fuck you” and still sent their kids to school with lunches instead of rolling over and letting the school dictate to them what their kids can eat! What was the school going to do to them? The school can’t fine the parents. And if they decide to give detention to or suspend a few hundred over it they would’ve had hell to pay. No, this is also the parent’s fault.

And I find the picture of a “school lunch” they included funny as hell.

So… tell me. Have you ever seen a school lunch that looked like that? I didn’t think so.

This has been Gwen. Your pissed off, ranting redhead. And the school says I am no longer allowed to bring my own rants to the blog. I have to buy theirs now.