Guide to using a Self Checkout

Apparently people do not know how to use a self checkout. How this is possible is beyond me, it does have instructions on the screen, evidently you genui can’t read.

READ THE SCREEN AND LISTEN TO THE VOICE!!!! The screen and that nice little voice tell you exactly what to do. If its not letting you scan your items then read… you do know how to do that right? Or listen to the voice telling you what to do.

Both the scanner and the bagging area are scales; they’re sensitive to .01 lb changes. You can not scan when there is weight on the scanner, or when the weight on the bagging area is changing/wrong. Keep your delightful little screaming children off the bagging area if you don’t want to be here all day.

If you hit “Skip Bagging” don’t put the item in the bagging area. Skip bagging means you’re *gasp* not putting it in the bagging area… in other words its going back in your cart. If you hit skip bagging and then put it there anyways you get to wait for me to clear your weight difference in the bagging area.

Do you want to know how much your child weighs? No? Then keep them from sitting on the bagging area or I WILL offer to tell you.

My machines are not psychic… you have to tell them when you’re ready to pay and how you wish to pay… card, check, cash, or soul’s of the innocent.

Unless you’re old, handicapped, or I take a liking to you you’re scanning your own stuff. I’ll scan the big items for you so you don’t have to lift them and help with the produce numbers, but no matter how much you whine or glare you’re still checking out your own stuff if you come to the SELF CHECKOUT.

If you have 2 or more carts full go to a regular lane. You’re going to take a good 15 minutes checking out, get annoyed (because you’re not reading the screen/listening to the voice), and greatly increase the wait time of the other people I’m calling over to my 4 lanes.

I’m running 4 lanes at once; when we get busy I try to draw as many people to my lanes as possible to take the strain off the regular lanes. I’m good at keeping my lanes going. That being said if all 4 of the lanes decide they want my attention at the same time (coupons, errors, checks, check ID, take booze if it’s Sunday, dispense change, replace paper, chasing the neurotic monkeys away from the bananas, get the idea?) you may have to wait a minute before I can get to your particular issue.

This has been Gwen, your pissed off, ranting redhead. And would you like to know how much your darling child weighs? 68.2 lbs.