Door-to-Door Dumbasses

I’ve dealt with the door-to-door dumbasses before, they call themselves different things, Jehova’s Witnesses, Christians, Mormons, etc etc... they’re all dumbasses though. Today I had a pair of them come to my door, usually I torment them in some way or give them some smart ass reply depending on what they’re opening line is. I am sorry in advance, I had been awake for less then an hour and I wasn’t on top of my game. Here’s the one they got:

DtDDs: Hello, we’re from . Have you heard the good news?

Me: Yes, you’re leaving.

DtDDs: *blank stare as the door closes*

When the god damned fucking hell are you dumbasses going to learn that we don’t need you doing this door to door shit, or the pamphlet crap. Nobody reads your little pamphlets, we just chuck them in the trash. Or if they’re as spiteful as I am they’ll rip them up right in front of you.

Christianity is the dominant religion in this country at an astounding approximate 82%, that means that 4 out of every 5 people are a Christian. In comparison Unaffiliated (including Agnostic and Atheist) make up about 11.5%, Judaism is at about 1.5%, Islam about 1%, Buddhism about .7%, Hinduism about .4%, and other (which includes Wicca, other Pagan religions and New Age religions) is at an ever growing 1.4%. And yes, I’m aware that only makes 98.6%, that’s why they all say approximate or about.

EVERYBODY in this country knows about Christianity. We don’t need you going door to door trying to convert us, we don’t need your stupid little pamphlets. If we wanted to be Christian we would be! I mean it wouldn’t be hard, there’s a church of some denomination on about every other street in any moderate sized town. I can drive downtown and I will pass at least 5 churches before I reach there, and I live in a town with about 17,000 people (2000 census). This is opposed to where I used to live, which has 200,000 people (again, 2000 census). There you had one on about every street!

And if you turn them down, and don’t close the door fast enough they revert to “You’re going to Hell and God doesn’t want you to go to Hell!

God wants you to save me from going to Hell for not believing in him. The same Hell that he created to punish me if I don’t believe in him. So if I don’t believe in him then I go to the Hell that he created to punish me for not believing in him and the only way not to go to Hell is to believe in him… kind of circular logic there isn’t it?!

That’s it, I’m done.

This has been Gwen, your pissed off, ranting redhead. And would you like to join me at the Church of Slammed Doors?